Dear Hayley,

How can I get my son with ADHD to say “yes” to new experiences and activities? 

Scoop from the parent. I am a single mother and I have a son, aged 11, who has been diagnosed with ADHD and some anxiety.  He is awesome and is one of the most happy, fun kids I have ever seen. His “kryptonite” is trying new things. He says “no” to pretty much everything (hockey, tennis, singing, playing with friends. All things that he absolutely loves now.) Once I force him, or make him do things, he 90% of the time has the time of his life. Literally bouncing off the walls that he enjoyed. Still, the constant no is pretty exhausting and they are wearing both of us down. It’s almost as if his impulse is to say no, even if he wants to do something.

My take. This can be quite the battle so I understand the exhaustion. What does stand out to me in this situation is that he does follow through and ultimately enjoys trying new things - this is a good thing, and a great reminder for you when you’re feeling defeated by the constant attempts to engage him in things.

For a lot of kids, saying no is more often than not an attempt to remain in control. They are becoming their own people, building autonomy, and as they grow older, making choices is a very important skill to build. I’d suggest pulling back on suggestions, and instead continue to remain encouraging when new ideas or potential activities do come up.

When parents make a big deal out of things kids tend to do the opposite (a lot of the time) so finding a more neutral l tone when pitching new ideas can be super helpful too.

Try to point out the positives of saying yes, and feel free to explore what happens when you aren’t insisting that he say yes.  Provide choices, this allows him to build autonomy and feel in control. Or have another trusted adult make the suggestion. Let him say no a certain number of times a month, but have a cap and keep track together, it could be fun! Continue what you’re doing, but feel free to pull back on how much energy you’re putting into it. The power of encouragement goes a long way, but not at your own expense.