Dear Hayley
How can I support my 17 year old daughter with anxiety and possible Borderline Personality Disorder?
Inside scoop from the parent. My daughter has always had anxiety but lately she's been having more and more challenges in her friendships and relationships in general, especially at home with myself and her stepfather. Her doctor hasn’t officially diagnosed though he feels she fits the criteria for borderline personality disorder. She is dominating the house and tries to control everything. She screams, cries, and causes arguments that go on for hours. She is sensitive when my husband and I spend time together and constantly expresses not feeling loved. When I can’t spend time with her, right when she wants it, she will start crying and gets herself so upset that it’s as if she’s having a panic attack. At times she has called her stepfather hurtful names and attempts to pit us against one another. She won't participate much in therapy and I can’t help but feel like we’re taking the wrong approach. I get so frustrated and things have been getting nasty between us. We need help.
My take. Validation. Patience. Neutrality. Openness. Don’t personalize. Boundaries. Follow through. Love.
These are the qualities and tools you need to strengthen and build trust in any relationship. They are also key in effectively supporting a teen or young adult with BPD or where a BPD diagnosis is being questioned. These are the tools I have used for many years.
Doctors won’t outwardly diagnose youth with BPD because the behaviours linked to BPD can show up in lots of different mental health disorders. However, many of the behaviours your daughter exhibits, such as trouble managing relationships, difficulty managing emotions, fears around being alone, and having inappropriate reactions, do show up in borderline personality disorder.
These behaviours undoubtedly are draining and difficult to support. Educating yourself and finding a support network for you and your husband will help you on this journey. You won’t always deal with her perfectly, but you can learn and work together in establishing a healthier relationship.
Validation is always important. It doesn’t mean you agree with how your daughter is behaving, it just means your daughter will feel understood and heard. Validate with statements such as: I can see you are feeling ___; I know this is hard for you; I am here for you; I see that you are in pain/struggling.
Patience and neutrality will help when riding out the difficult moments, when she is feeling overwhelmed or struggling to accept something, like not being able to spend more time with you. She may be having big reactions but that doesn’t mean you go big with her. Maintaining a state of neutrality and by not fuelling her reaction with yours, increases the likelihood she will come down sooner, and you’ll all be able to move forward with greater ease. This does require you to quell your own emotions for some time, until you are able to use your support system.
Remain open and non judgemental. There is guilt and shame for anyone after they’ve been seen in a vulnerable moment. Being too rigid or outwardly judgemental only breaks down the trust that you need.
Avoid personalizing and spiralling into your own thoughts. I know this may not be an easy ask, but as mom it’s important to pause in these moments, reflect compassionately on the information and ground yourself in understanding that these feelings are real for her, and by working with her it will help in her journey to healthier coping.
Final tips. Have Boundaries. Keep communication open. Make and have plans for spending time together and follow through on them. Build in structure wherever possible. Model healthy reactions and responses.