Dear Hayley,

My 11 year old daughter is searching things that are sexual in nature on YouTube, we’re worried. Do we bring it up? 

Scoop from the parent. We got our daughter a phone last summer, after much consideration and debate. From the beginning we installed privacy tracking and despite her hating it, it’s already helped in keeping her safe more than once. She doesn’t know that we are able to see her browser searches and recently these YouTube searches have us concerned. 

My take. This is a tough one, because building trust and keeping our kids safe don’t always go together seamlessly, more often than not our children feel violated and misunderstood when confronted about their personal lives. I do want to say how happy I am to hear that parents are tracking their children’s devices. It is a scary world now online, where everything and anything is at the click of a button. Without safety monitoring in place, your child can be at risk for a number of things and not even know.

My short answer to this one is no, don’t bring it up. If you’re wondering why, it’s because the better option (from my perspective), is to continue monitoring the searches and trust your own judgement.

Questions to consider while you keep an eye out are:

Are searches increasing?

Are they age appropriate enough?

Are you noting a significant change in behaviour (ie. aggression, risky choices, change in mood)

By the age of 10, children begin showing signs of puberty and children even younger than 11 are exploring their own bodies - even engaging in self-pleasure as early as 3 years old without even being aware. You could simply be paying witness to a private moment for her, a moment of self-discovery, and if she isn’t using an explicit porn site with more concerning content I’d say “sexual in nature” YouTube searches - a platform with guidelines for sexual content - is not too concerning a place for a child to start. Ultimately this is an exercise in trust and providing privacy where it matters the most.