Dear Hayley,

My kids can’t stand being in the same room, but they used to do things together. How can I get this back? 

Scoop from the parents. It’s become impossible to get my kids to do anything together. My son has autism and he has no patience with his older sister, he gets irritated quickly with her and seems to avoid her more and more. I want to do more things as a family, my son is on the spectrum and is easily triggered by his sister. I know they are both getting sick of being asked to be around each other, and honestly I’ve given up. How can I get these two back in the same room?

My take. First, take the pressure off. Off yourself, the kids, and the idea of things working the way they once did. It’s natural for siblings to go through stages where they don’t get along, want their own space, or really don’t feel like putting in the work to get along. After all, a sibling is a friendship you didn’t choose. The space they are taking right now may in fact help them manage better in the future at family events or outings.

If you feel too much time and space has passed, try finding activities that can be done together, but individually (if you know what I mean). Try a baking or meal prep activity where each child has their own responsibilities, focus on getting them in the same physical space where engaging with the other isn’t a requirement (but could be), this may unintentionally lead to some teamwork between the two. The act of being around one another and exposing them to one another's energy could lead them to developing more tolerance for family activities.

Another thing that I believe is the most underrated tool of all is: individual check-ins. Check in with each child. Give each child the space to share, and see if you can find insight into why they don’t want to be around the other and try to identify the areas they are struggling in when dealing with each other by asking questions like, why don’t you like being around them and how can I support you in this.

Is it that they find their sibling too loud? Aggressive? Or maybe they don’t listen when the other speaks? Where does the disconnect happen? Then you as a parent can better support them in coming together, and understanding the others needs and boundaries. This is a good opportunity to discuss and teach important life skills like active listening, body language, and physical proximity.